May, 2009 - Give Her Joy!

Quintessential "Mom" Circa 1952 (Harriet Nelson)

Recently, I was told by one of our family members that she enjoyed reading my "educational" essays which give people tips on how to adapt life in order to facilitate caring for an Alzheimer's challenged person.

This month, being May and the Mother's Day month, inspired me to think about how female caregivers such as daughters, granddaughters and sisters, are often mistakenly dubbed as "my Mother", by their loved one with AD. Many women's instincts tell them to correct the person with AD and say: "No, no! I'm your daughter", and insist upon righting the error. Please let me say this... don't bother correcting them! First of all, people with AD go backwards in time in their retained memories and when they see you-a middle aged woman-they reason that, "No way is this my daughter! Why, even though I look like her, she's older; so she must be my mother!" You see, in her mind which has been altered by the disease, she's in her early thirties and her kids are either teenagers, grammar school aged or not even born yet!

Secondly, to be considered as the person's mother is the best compliment that you'll ever receive! To be thought of as a mother means that you are considered as totally trustworthy and unconditionally loving. Even to the point of being able to forgive her the lapses, the tirades and the occasional insults! In our teenaged years we were all dragon ladies to our moms, so now its payback time! So when you're adorable, religious mother calls you a "bee-yotch" under her breath, get over it! Consider it a show of love.

Since you are now your mother's mother, you are also expected to set limits. When Mom won't settle down and go to bed, you can feel perfectly comfortable saying (in your calmest Harriet Nelson voice), "Now Mildred, you have to get up early for the "club" tomorrow morning, so you MUST go to bed now!" Your mom (who is now younger than you, in her mind) may act out like a naughty child, but she also kind of knows that you are in charge. Still, many daughters "lose-it" when they have to tell their mothers to do something and revert back to childhood as well, pleading, "pleeease Mama... go to bed... for me... .?" This will not work so don't be tempted to pull out this old strategy. Remember, you're the mother, so you'd better act like one!

On a positive note, being your Mom's mother also allows you to delight her in a way that only moms can do! When she gets home from day care, you can surprise her with her favorite suppertime meal (usually comfort food) topped off with a scrumptious dessert that will light up her eyes!

When you go shopping for her clothes, be sure to get her really colorful, pretty garments, such as whimsical t-shirts and socks with animals and other cute graphics on them. (www.cafepress.com) At day care they LOVE to check out the staff member's and each others' clothing! You can also try to get Mom the softest, most comfy clothes you can find.

At home, make your mother's surroundings more enjoyable. Play her favorite songs on the CD player (or phonograph?), tune the television to TV Land and watch The Beverly Hillbillies and Green Acres (www.tvland.com for the schedule) or even watch Animal Planet on the discovery channel, which is great for people who can't quite follow a story line (www.animal.discovery.com).

Spend time with Mom playing games that she can still play just so that the two of you are interacting in harmony. If you haven't played Chutes and Ladders in a while, then you should! Sings songs out loud to her, dance with her in the kitchen or have her help to press M&Ms into the M&M cookies that you will make together! By the way, don't think she'll consider these things as childish-she won't. With AD, the "superego", the thing in your brain that says "age appropriate" goes away; and JOY takes over instead.

For a special outing, take her out to see a fun show such as Blue Man Group (www.blueman.com/tickets/boston) or go to a musical at the Company Theatre here in Norwell (www.companytheatre.com). In the summer, The Music Man will be performed there!

So for Mother's Day 2009, don't buy her those SAS oxfords, get her a pair of cherry red or floral Keds! (www.zazzle.com). Don't go bird watching at the Audubon society; instead go feed the ducks and waterfowl at the Boston Public Gardens and take a swan ride while your at it! Lastly, skip the fancy la-dee-da restaurant and choose the outdoor seating are at the Wollaston Clam Box -indulging in juicy scallops and onion rings and watching as the parade of people goes by! The best thing you can do for your Mom this Mother's day is simple-give her JOY!

Julie Wesolowski, Program Director

What's Cooking At The Abby Club?

Members Harriet P. and Dixie E. enjoy tea at the Windsor Tea Room in Cohasset

For the Month of May, our field trip will be on May 5th to the Brockton Fuller Art Museum. This is a free special art program developed in conjunction with a grant from the Hearthstone Alzheimer's group, which promises to be an excellent activity for people challenged by AD. Volunteer tour guides have been trained in executing a special presentation of visual art and crafts. According to the website at www.artistsforalzheimers.org the program is described below:

"Thanks to the Alzheimer's friendly tools and professional training we have developed ARTZ has organized and promoted over 200 community events, encompassing more than 2,000 people living with Alzheimer's and related dementia. The ARTZ network has been developed in Boston, New York, Stuttgart, London, Melbourne, and Paris."

If anybody is interested in chaperoning, please contact Julie or Linda.

We'd like to continue to make Saturdays available with the eventual goal of adding Saturdays as a regular attendance day at the Abby Club. We are offering both May 16th and 30th as potential open dates but we would need at least six participants to attend. If you are interested PLEASE contact Julie to let her know. Please also remember that once you commit to that date, you must stick to it, as staff are being scheduled to work that day and you leave us "in the lurch" if you do not fulfill your commitment. Thank you.

We will be closed on Memorial Day, May 25th so that our staff may be off to commemorate Memorial Day. If anybody wants to do a makeup day on an alternate day (or one of the Saturdays, above) please call Julie at (781) 340-9100.

I am sorry to report that Rita DeLuca, one of our sweetest, dearest clients for three years has passed away. Rita was known as "Mother DeLuca" to the neighborhood kids to whom she would graciously allow into her home for snacks, supervision and love during her younger years. Rita loved to reminisce about her father, a baker, and always was a primary participant when we did baking groups. She would ever so kindly, sit beside another Abby club client whenever they might be a little nervous, and act as a stabilizing force to them, holding their hands or speaking comforting words to them. We miss her and hope that her gentle spirit remains at the Center; another beloved "guardian" of our little club. We are grateful to the DeLuca family for naming us as the recipients of memorial donations made in Rita's name. We will use these donations to award another daycare grant.

We would also like to send our condolences to the family of Esther Wight who was also a "club member" for about three years as well. Esther was a fiercely independent woman who hated for anybody to help her, and lived alone in her adorable little house up into her nineties! She always beat me at scrabble and was clever at word games and trivia! She lived a good, long life with the support of a wonderful family who respected her need for self autonomy for as long as possible! Brava Esther, on a life well lived!

Abby Club harbor cruise trip Rita DeLuca on left

Esther Wight

On Abby's wishlist: Ice cream, Ginger Ale (regular and diet), Cookies (regular and diabetic)